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An annoying hadith about marriage and deen


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Author Topic: An annoying hadith about marriage and deen  (Read 68 times)
Khadija_H
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« on: May 03, 2018, 02:57:33 am »

I'm becomming 30 next month and the closer it comes to my birthday the more my mother and sister nags me about marriage.
Especially my mom keeps throwing this hadith at me:

Al-Bayhaqi narrated in Shu’ab al-Eemaan from al-Raqaashi: “When a person gets married he has completed half of his religion, so let him fear Allaah with regard to the other half.” Al-Albaani said of these two hadeeths in Saheeh al-Targheeb wa’l-Tarheeb (1916): “(They are) hasan li ghayrihi.”

It pretty much drives me crazy because in addtion  to that she says I'm awfully selfish for not wanting to marry. I know Allah strongly encourage marriage in the Quran, but as far as I can see, He hasn't made it mandatory. To encourage is not the same as making it mandatory in my opinion.

I have tried to tell my mother not to try to gult trip me to marry someone, but she doesn't listen, and she still throws this hadith at me. I did tell her that the quran doesn't say that marriage is half of the deen, but she is a hadith follower, and claims that hadiths are as divine as the quran. All I could do by then was to pout at her and look away in fustration (It's at least better than snapping at her). I don't remember all of the quran of course, but I researched and looked at ayats about marriage and none of them supported that marriage is half of the deen as far as I could see, and I'm pretty sure Allah would be very direct with such a thing. Half of deen is pretty serious after all, and Allah tends to be very clear on the extra important stuff in the quran, and even repeats very important things to remember.

Furthermore, when I searched on, marriage is half of deen, it kept comming up as hadith, if it has been in the quran loud and clear why would all the sites quote it as hadith then?

Would anyone happen to have good ideas to how to deal with this? Is there any way of contradicting that hadith without starting a discussion that will hurt more than it'll help?

I hope it is alright to ask for advise here since my father is the only one I know who doesn't follow hadith, and his best advise was that I shouldn't tell my mother that I don't acknowledge the divine legitimacy of hadith.




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Zeynab
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« Reply #1 on: May 03, 2018, 05:06:46 am »



Salaam Sister.  Yes of course it's fine to ask for advise here, Alhumdulilah. 

First of all, Hadith isn't "divine" by a long shot.  Quite the opposite.  It's a tainted man-written institution full of controversies and contradictions. It consists of alleged quotes which began getting compiled 200 years after the passing of the beloved Prophet (pbuh), and 99.9% of these narrations were never spoken by him (pbuh). 

Yes you're right.  The Noble Quran never says "marriage is half of deen."  This is typically from hadith.  In fact forced marriage is not at all encouraged in the Quran.  The Divine Message certainly looks upon marriage as the right way of life, provided it's based on mutual consent.

"O you who believe! You are forbidden to inherit women against their will." (4:19) An-Nissa.    This Verse of the Noble Quran makes it clear whether the woman is virgin or divorcee or widow, her consent is mandatory.   Neither her parents nor her older siblings can force her into marriage. 

It's always the wish of all parents to see their children (particularly daughters) settled in their lifetime.  That's natural.  I think that's the reason your mom persists on reminding you of it.  I realize it can be a bit bothersome for you but  try to bear with it and ignore her politely.  Or you can request your father to speak to her on your behalf, to explain to her that you need to decide at your own good time.   

Decision to delay marriage depends upon the individual and it can have various personal reasons.  Sometimes one may simply not feel ready for it  ... or may feel they haven't yet found the kind of person they have in mind.   I would not at all construe that as being "selfish"  and it is certainly not against the Quran.

If someone does not find the right match and prefers to stay single for a longer time than the standard age for marriage, that for sure is not against Quranic principles.  The only required condition is to maintain one's chastity and modesty, whether male or female.   Living a Halal life does not necessarily come from marriage, it comes from implementing the principles of the Quran (spiritual  and practical) in one's everyday life, whether married or single, male or female. 

Happy birthday in advance for your 30th birthday next month.  May you have many more to come, InshAllah.  You are still very young with plenty of time ahead of you, Allah willing.  You sound like a wise sister and I'm sure whenever you decide to marry, it will be the best time and with the right man.   Though let me tell you, it's not easy to find someone who follows only the Quran.  However, even if he is a hadith follower, as long as he does not grumble at you following the Quran alone, it's okay.


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Khadija_H
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« Reply #2 on: May 03, 2018, 10:50:12 am »

Waleikum Salam sister.

Thank you for your advise and your comforting words, it's highly appreciated.

Both my parents and I are aware that forced marriage is forbidden, and no one intend to force me to marry, but it's the use of that hadith in attempt to make me feel I do something bad, that borthers me so much. I can see it from her point of view somewhat because she sincerely belives that by not marrying I will only fullfill half of my deen, and I understand that it might worry a mother. It's still fustrating for me though since I only acknowledge the quran as divine. That's also why I can't tell her she is wrong, it's rarely good idea to tell others that they believe in something wrong. You're propably right that it's best to ignore her respectfully.

You have many good points in your repply. I agree that a hadith follower, and one who doesn't follow hadith can have a fine marriage. It works for my parents after all. It's not easy to find people who doesn't follow hadith in general. I would love to meet at least one sister in my own country who're not a hadith follower, but Allah has not let me meet one yet.

Thank you for your wellwishes and support. It's comforting to hear from another sister that it's completly okay to remain single past the 30.
 
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Zeynab
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« Reply #3 on: May 04, 2018, 12:41:36 am »

Both my parents and I are aware that forced marriage is forbidden, and no one intend to force me to marry, but it's the use of that hadith in attempt to make me feel I do something bad, that borthers me so much.

Yes, absolutely. I understand that sister.  Alhumdulilah, may Allah Almighty bless your dear parents and you.  Ameen.     Actually I didn't mean literally forcing to get married.  Sorry for not clarifying that better.   What I meant was, if the issue is mentioned too often or over-emphasized, it could pressure one's mind and can sometimes be stressful.  But I'm sure the intention of parents is always positive and thus you will be able to take care of it with patience and respect.  InshAllah, ameen.


It's not easy to find people who doesn't follow hadith in general. I would love to meet at least one sister in my own country who're not a hadith follower, but Allah has not let me meet one yet.

Unfortunately that's the problem.   Those Muslims who follow only the Quran (which is exactly what our beloved Prophet did), are very few in this world and they're scattered far and wide in different lands or countries.   

That's why our MV team here is so small.  We just couldn't find any more we could trust with Quran alone. 

Then again, there are also folks who use the title "Quran alone" to promote their own agenda by incorrect translations and commentaries of Quranic Verses.  Such an approach is also a similar transgression as the idea of hadith. 

InshAllah, if Allah wills, He will provide us with the true righteous group of submitters in Jannat (Paradise) who were focused on the Quran alone.  InshAllah, ameen.  Consequently, it's very comforting to recite Verse 12:101 .. the supplication of Prophet Yusuf (Joseph), quote: 

"Fatira al-samawati wal ardi anta waliy-yi fi al-dunya wal akhrati ta-wafani musliman wa-alhiqni bil-salihina."  (12:101)

Translation:
"Creator of the heavens and the earth! You are my Protector in the world and the Hereafter.  Make me to die submissive (unto You), and join me to the righteous."

Ameen ya Rab, ameen.


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Heba E. Husseyn
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« Reply #4 on: May 06, 2018, 11:03:29 pm »

Just to mention a point that could be viewed as within the context of this topic. 

Rushing anyone to get married (not just daughters but sometimes sons are also rushed into marriage by well-meaning family members) brings the risk of an unhappy marriage.  This aspect is cited in Verse 33:37 (Surah Al-Ahzab).

"And when you said unto him on whom Allah has conferred favour and you have conferred favour: Keep your wife to yourself, and fear Allah. And you did hide in your mind that which Allah was to bring to light, and you did fear mankind whereas Allah has a better right that you should fear Him."  (33:37) Al-Ahzab.

The reference in this Verse is to the unhappy marriage of Zeid, the Prophet's (pbuh) freedman and adopted son to the Prophet's first cousin, Zainab bin Jahsh, a wealthy lady of Qureysh.  Zainab was the Prophet's aunt's daughter.  The Prophet (pbuh) arranged this marriage with the intent of abolishing the old barrier created by the pride of the elites refusing to marry into middle-class or poor families.  Historical data has consistently conveyed that neither Zainab nor her brother agreed to this match, and since long Zainab and her family felt she would be a suitable match for her cousin, the Prophet himself.  But the Prophet ignored their wishes and was very eager that Zainab should marry Zeid, for whom, considering the social differences, this marriage was quite an embarrassment. 

As it happened, Zainab's marriage to Zeid arranged by the Prophet did not turn out to be a happy one.  When the Prophet's (pbuh) attention was first called to their unhappiness, he (pbuh) urged Zeid to keep his wife and not divorce her as he (the Prophet) was worried of the talk that would arise if it became known that a marriage arranged by him had failed.  Yet the marriage did not last much longer and the couple divorced.  This aspect has been spoken by the Divine Power in the above Verse " .... and you did fear mankind whereas Allah has a better right that you should fear Him."   It refers to the Prophet (pbuh) persuading Zeid not to divorce Zainab for fear of what the society would say and thus ignoring the unhappiness of the couple, whereas happiness of a marriage is much more important than the talk of the people.  Most importantly, even though the Prophet's intention was very good, yet Allah reprimands him that he should have feared Allah more than the society, implying that an unhappy marriage is not included in the category of the Divine Commandment.


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« Reply #5 on: May 07, 2018, 12:25:56 am »



Very correct point Sister Heba.     Thank you.   Allah bless.
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Khadija_H
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« Reply #6 on: May 11, 2018, 02:48:44 pm »

I agree that a marriage will be unhappy if one or both parts does not walk into it wholeheartedly. I never heard that story, but it shows that a marriage shouldn't happen against anyones wishes, and that it's no shame in Allah's eyes to end an unhappy marriage. At least that's how I see it. It also shows that even the prophet with his high status, good heart, and his closeness to Allah also did mistakes and..I hope this makes sense, but  it makes it easier to relate to him hearing that he also had flaws like the rest of us. Not that I ever believed he didn't have flaws or made mistakes. He was human like everyone else after all, but we don't hear much about that, at least I don't. Hearing about a specific sitation like this makes me think something like: The prophet too made mistakes and he was still a great person and close to Allah, then I don't have to be a bad person either because I have flaws or makes mistakes. It's a reasuring thought that can be useful on a bad day.
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« Reply #7 on: May 12, 2018, 12:18:15 am »


Well yes, all Prophets were humans and occasionally some of them (as we know from the Quran) made mistakes or minor mistakes and Allah corrected them, mistakes that did not harbor ill intent but were mistakes nonetheless.  The incident mentioned by Sister Heba is one example.  Another example is of Prophet Noah (pbuh) when he was worried about his disbelieving son who was drowned in the flood, and Allah Almighty admonished Prophet Noah for pleading for a disbeliever (V.11:45-46).   Also the example of Prophet Moses (pbuh) when he accidentally killed a man, something he never meant to do  (V.28:15-16).   In Surah 80 (Abasa), Allah Almighty reprimands the Prophet Muhammed (pbuh) when the Prophet was talking to some influential person explaining to him the Message of the Quran and a poor man interrupted him, the Prophet expressed a bit of annoyance at the interruption .. a minor error inherent of human nature.  Yet,  Allah reminds the Prophet that a man's importance is not to be judged by his social status.

For a better understanding of this topic please see the following posts at MV:

Is 'perfection' or 'infallibility' inherent of humans?
Attributing Infallibility to Humans.


 
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